Living in Fear of a Life Unlived

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 09:03:26 GMT

Ok I never Blogged be for and this is purely a exhausted fed up insomniac rant so I going to apologize ahead of time for any insanity this post contains. So I'm a whole two months 18 and freedom is sluggish at best in fact I've never felt more trapped. And as typically teenage angst y as this may come off I have a billion frustratingly unmovable problems.
Were to start? Well for those who may suffer by reading this I guess I should tell you about myself. Though be warned again I am a tired ranty and raving lunatic. As I said I fresh 18 and have always been mature for my age. Yet I'm finding in many ways I've definatly lack development and I don't me physically. I grew up in what I believe to have been a mildly abusive household. I was cottaled as a result by my mom and the closest thing I have to a best friend. she did it to protect me when things are bad but I come to realize it also became a major hinderance to my functioning as anything resembling a normal teenager. {what ever that is?} My mom left my dad five years ago with big dreams of moving to a nice house with a pool for us to exercise Regular doctor vists for both of us and a better education for me. In Summery a dream to heal. Well that went down the drain rather quickly.{A story that will need a whole other rant!} Any as per typical mom she settle let her self be walk over and pulled in to stressful so called faimly obligations Where my mom faimly walks all over her in return she get nothing and then wheen she does get fed up I the one who deals with the fall out. So no nice place to home , no insurace to get to very nesscary health care { do to my mom covering five positions {not Seperate jobs] on minimal wage with no benefits at my grandfathers business}, which means no money to pay for any of that necessary heath care, and as for my education, well. I guess you could technically call me a drop out if your completely honest which I've only learned to be to myself in the lastly few years. I was in accelerated classes before we moved but the school here sucked and duo to my as of yet and still undiagnosed depression I Was fed up after the one year there. So i quite that school for any expensive online high school course for two years .that ended up screwing us over{ $3,000 a year for them to have technical problems a accidentally locking my password out for weeks sometimes months at a time.} I told my mom to save her money And I get my GED. Which I still trying to get started on.{ I spent a year trying to over come what I believe is depression. I'm am just now at a point in my life where I'm awake for most part of the day. So I made a Promises when I turned eighteen that I would try to over come all my problems and start to live like I should have been aloud as a child. I refuse to become like my mom a settle with my situation I 'd did that enough as a Child and refuse to allow it to continue into my adult years. This Is my frustration at eighteen the limitations were so posed to fall off so I could be allowed to take control off my problem but the only real limitation that fell away was that I don't need legal permission any more to achieve these things. I just need and education, a full fledged license { that a per usual I would already have if my mom ever put us before everyone else and had got me started with one after I turned 16 rather than 3 months before I turned eighteen.} and a Job so I can get money and benefits to oh i don't no go see doctor and dentist I should have been seeing since i was a babe and maybe a therapist to help me figure out my crazy life and were I am being unreasonable because I sure as hell am to involved i the insanity to be a fair judge of anything about my life. So I have to figure out a way to deal with this crap Along with the usual coming of age hang up.
bad body image, sexuality, religion, having a life, and the unusual ones, learning to socialize make an actual friend who is my zombie of a mom who I love dearly but I to afraid of losing the one person I have in this world to talk to her about anything of real importance to me. I have made one step I believe is right I have long term but tempera rely cut off all communication with my dad. { the mildly abusive home life came from him
] I always went into what I now think were depression episodes after a visit with him and Him and my mom unintentionally but selfishly put me between the two of them so I made a decision for my self and gave myself a break from the drama { I definatly don't owe him anything!} And That seems to have been one move I could make in the right direction.
And Now I ranted so long I don't think I remember my point at the moment why I started. So if you've read all thing I apologize now for bad grammar and disconnected thoughts. But I'm also wondering how bored you must of been to read this at all and feel very sorry for you. Get A Life! One of us should. Tired and exhausted Lunatic Ranter

blaireblack73

Living in Fear of a Life Unlived